An Angel's Love by Ashley Madeline Williams
by MassHysteric
Summary: Operations Chief Ashley Madeline Williams composes a poem, dedicated to her dear friend Lieutenant Commander Cadrina Ellen Shepard…


An Angel's Love by Ashley Madeline Williams

I imagine that as much poetry as Ashley Williams appears to have read and studied, she must have tried writing some of her own. Here, she attempts to come to terms with her feelings and actions on that night with her friend Cadrina Shepard described in the story _Tulips and Revlon._

_Operations Chief Ashley Madeline Williams composes a poem, dedicated to her dear friend Lieutenant Commander Cadrina Ellen Shepard…_

Struggle is all I have known.  
>Strength and resolve are my blood and my shield.<br>But on that day,  
>I chose vulnerability.<p>

I am complete in myself  
>And do not seek someone to fill emptiness in me.<br>I am content with the companionship of comrades and revelers.  
>But on that day,<br>I chose intimacy.

Hard when I must be, soft when I can be,  
>Tenderness is best spent on kin.<br>With open palm and closed fist,  
>I helped raise my sisters<br>To confront the world and match it on its terms.  
>But on that day,<br>Away from hearth and home,  
>I chose to love an outsider.<br>I chose to love an angel.

She possessed a radiance within  
>That drew attention from all around her.<br>In many ways like me,  
>But then much more unlike me.<br>In battle, she was resolute  
>And acted with righteous fury.<br>At peace, she was caring  
>And tended to all in her charge.<br>Those that stood with her  
>Against the approaching darkness<br>Only wanted to prove themselves worthy.  
>The light from within her<br>Made one aspire to be more  
>Than what they could be on their own.<p>

It was in battle where the angel found me,  
>Humiliated and beaten.<br>She tended my wounds  
>And brought me into her fold.<br>Slowly, she drew out my doubts and fears  
>And showed me that there were other ways<br>Of seeing the world  
>Without compromising or changing<br>Who I am.  
>She showed me how family can exist<br>Outside one's own,  
>Each person a whole, yet dependent on one another.<br>She helped me find my strength again  
>And gave me a place at her side.<br>The light from within her  
>Was a beacon of hope<br>That I swore to defend and keep with my very soul.

Then the angel was taken away.  
>We desperately wanted to protect her,<br>But she made us consider our own lives  
>And the work that was yet to be done.<br>We were forced to watch  
>As the darkness consumed her.<br>The light, that beautiful light  
>Was gone.<br>And despite all reason and reflection,  
>I blamed myself<br>For allowing it to die.

Trying to remember all I learned from her  
>Only made the pain harder to bear.<br>I found myself slipping back into old habits  
>Just to keep from crumbling away.<br>How could God allow this?  
>Why show me such beauty and then<br>Snatch it away?  
>To make one stronger?<br>To make us aware of how temporary we are?  
>To cherish the time that we have?<br>Memories weren't enough.  
>I didn't cherish her enough!<br>And now I would find myself  
>Seeking out her light,<br>In everyone and everything else in my world  
>And never find any<br>That burned as hers did.

And then the angel returned  
>To combat the darkness once again,<br>To save me once again.  
>The light I missed so dearly had returned,<br>But I only saw the dark clouds that surrounded it,  
>That threatened to extinguish it once again.<br>I knew that this time she could withstand them,  
>I knew that soon they would part<br>And allow her to truly shine.  
>But I denied her.<br>I cursed Her!  
>I accused her of turning her back on me,<br>When I was truly condemning myself  
>For wanting to forget her.<br>But she did not return my anger,  
>When she had every right to do so.<br>Instead, she allowed me the space I wanted  
>And seemed truly sad to see me so hurt.<br>The old instincts and habits once again  
>Served to hold me back from hating myself outright.<br>She came to welcome you back,  
>Instead, you cast her out.<p>

On that fateful day the angel came  
>To seek absolution from a sinner.<br>She had done no wrong;  
>The fault was mine.<br>Maybe I was arrogant, or foolish  
>Or maybe just too weary from holding back<br>I left all sense behind and let my passions overtake me.  
>I risked sacrilege and damnation -<br>I had the angel trapped!  
>With her helpless in my embrace,<br>I make my feelings known!  
>Love can make us so strange<br>Drive us to do things we'd never try when we're sane.  
>How can we ever hope to express pure love<br>While still trapped in errant flesh?

I ran from the angel,  
>Ashamed and angry at myself.<br>How dare I try to take and keep by force  
>Something that was not mine to have?<br>How could I face her again,  
>To tell her that my poor, base flesh<br>Was only trying to give in return  
>What she gave me?<br>She found where I had hidden myself from the world.  
>She comforted me and understood me.<br>The angel forgave me what I perceived as my sins.

I then asked for one moment with her.  
>To bask in her light<br>And profess my eternal love and gratitude  
>For who she was and all she has done for me.<br>Where mortals would have gently or sternly dismissed me,  
>The angel trusted me<br>And gave me what I wished for.  
>That moment was more beautiful,<br>More perfect than I hoped.  
>Pure acceptance, pure joy<br>Pure and true love as I have never known.  
>All that existed then was that moment.<br>If the universe around me chose to end right then and there,  
>That moment would be my heaven.<p>

And still, I am whole.  
>Still, I struggle.<br>Still, I can be harsh or tender  
>All at the times I choose.<br>I am still everything I have always been and now much more  
>Now that the angel is in my life again.<br>And even if she should leave again,  
>My heart would sing and not weep.<br>For she would only return to heaven,  
>And her light,<br>Her love  
>Will still be with me.<p> 


End file.
